


i’d be lying if i told you i’m keeping tidy anymore

by hartbun



Category: One Piece
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Suicidal Thoughts, Post-Thriller Bark, Zoro can’t talk about how he feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:55:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hartbun/pseuds/hartbun
Summary: “When are you gonna tell him?” He simply asked. Zoro clenched his fists. Why did he have to know his secret?“Maybe never,” Zoro replied bluntly, clutching the railing. His muscles were screaming at him now.“You love him, don’t you,” Sanji asked.
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy/Roronoa Zoro
Comments: 7
Kudos: 157





	i’d be lying if i told you i’m keeping tidy anymore

It’s late at night now. Zoro can hear the rest of the crew, snoring away peacefully on the Sunny, their exhaustion well earned. Zoro would normally be joining them, after all his snores were usually the loudest, but not tonight. Tonight, Zoro stares hard at the boards of the ceiling, and he shudders.

If he doesn’t focus, loses his concentration for even a minute, he feels like his skin is burning. If he lets his mind slip, he feels the phantom ache crawl back up, weave it’s way into his bones, and settle on his nerves in a dull and fiery agony. Invisible bruises form on his knuckles, and he clenches them tight. Zoro shivers again, brow furrowing. He won’t lose this battle tonight. He repeats that to himself over again, taking slow calculated breaths. 

If Zoro picks something to focus on, and concentrates hard, he’s able to block out any pain. During the day this is much easier, as Luffy usually gets up to some antics that always require the swordsman’s attention. Night becomes much more difficult however, since there’s not much to pay attention to except the snores, and the gentle rock of the Sunny against the waves. However, to Zoro each slow roll just jostles his aching body, making him flinch. 

Zoro knew what he was doing when he stepped into that bubble of white hot agony. He almost welcomed it, feeling almost eerily calm as the bubble was guided off to a clearing, far enough away that his screams wouldn’t wake his crew. Even standing close to the thing sent shivers through his body, it just radiated pain.

And Zoro, feeling no concern for his own life, thinking he was making the right choice leaving his own friends behind, had no hesitation, no regret, slamming his fists into it. 

He tried not to scream, tried to hold onto his last shred of dignity, some twisted show that despite his oncoming death, he was still stronger than any pain. He gave up almost instantly. Chopper said he had bit his lip so hard it needed stitches. Zoro just nodded grimly, throat too damaged to speak. 

It had been weeks since that incident, and Zoro still felt the pain rising in his nerves. It was like a hand, loosely gripped around his body, and every time he lost concentration, the fingers would grip tightly around him again. Zoro hadn’t told Chopper, not wanting him to worry. He didn’t want any pity either. Zoro took another slightly ragged breath. In and out, pausing after each inhale. 

The pain was worse tonight than it had been in a while. Zoro figured he must be getting sloppy if it was affecting him this much. He slowly, painfully forced his head to turn to look at his captain. The man was snoring peacefully, tangled up in his blankets. Zoro let a small smile play at his lips. Better him than Luffy, he always told himself. 

The Sunny rocked again, this time a slightly larger wave jostling him. Zoro was quick enough to bite back a small cry before it left his mouth. He cursed himself. He wouldn’t let this be for nothing. He could ride it out alone.

* * *

Zoro was vaguely aware of the conversation happening around him. 

The rest of the crew was sat at the table, doing their usual morning routine. Sanji served breakfast, while Luffy laughed at whatever lame pun Brook had made. Zoro smiled a bit. Hearing Luffy laughing was definitely worth the ache spreading through his body. Zoro clenched his fists hard enough for nails to break skin. 

Damn, he could use a drink. Maybe some sake would help dull the fire in his body. He wondered if anyone would notice if he snuck away for a bit. Probably not, they all seemed fine without him. 

“Zoro! Hey Zoro!” a voice called at him. Zoro was dragged away from any hope of raiding the cellar, by Luffy calling for him from across the table. The captain grinned wide, waving Zoro over to him. Zoro thought if he stood up, he might collapse if he wasn’t careful. He did so anyway, because when Luffy called he always answered. Walking over to the man in question, he did his best to keep his face stoic. 

“What is it?” he asked, keeping his voice level. Luffy grinned, putting his arm around Zoro in a rough half-hug. Zoro bit the stitches in his lip. 

“You gotta hear this joke, say it again Brook!” he giggled eagerly. Zoro thought he should have expected as much. He forced a smile, choosing to focus on the sensation of Luffy’s arm around him to distract him from the pain. He ignored the skeleton’s joke, but Luffy barked out a laugh, and that was all Zoro needed to smile. 

His entire body felt like it was on fire, but Luffy hanging off him, doubled over laughing made him feel like it was well worth it.

* * *

“Oi, Marimo,” Zoro groaned as he heard the cook calling after him. 

Zoro was leaned heavily over the railing, trying to disguise his attempt at catching his breath. He had lost focus and got hit with a larger wave of pain than he was expecting. But of course that shitty cook had to notice. 

Sanji walked over, a half smoked cigarette hanging from his lips. He took a drag, letting a puff of smoke leave his mouth. Zoro looked towards the rocking waves. 

The two hadn’t really spoken since he woke up after Thriller Bark. And honestly, Zoro would rather keep it that way. But Sanji seemed to have other ideas, Zoro could feel his eyes still on him. 

“When are you gonna tell him?” He simply asked. Zoro clenched his fists. Why did he have to know his secret?

“Maybe never,” Zoro replied bluntly, clutching the railing. His muscles were screaming at him now. 

“You love him, don’t you,” Sanji asked cooly. He said those words so easily, like they were just another puff of smoke from a cigarette. That question burned in Zoro’s chest hotter than any pain he’d experienced. The way he instinctually glanced over at the captain, sitting on the figurehead of the Sunny told Sanji what he needed to know. “Don’t bother answering,” he said. 

“So what if I do, my duty is to keep him safe. That’s the first mate's job,” Zoro grumbled. 

The cook took another puff of his cigarette, and Zoro had to hold back a cough. His chest hurt enough as it was. “Maybe it is your job, but who's keeping you safe?” Zoro stared at him like it was a stupid question.

“I don’t need protecting, especially coming from you,” he growled. “Besides I’ve beaten a thousand enemies tougher than you. I can handle myself.” If this was his way of offering pity, Zoro wasn’t about to take it. However the cook was looking at him as if he was the idiot. Sanji took the remaining butt of the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked it over the side of the rail. 

“Not from any enemies idiot,” he said, hands in his pockets as he turned away. “From that stupid self sacrificing habit of yours.” Sanji spared him a glance as he walked away, and like that it was just Zoro and the railing supporting him. He looked back towards the rolling waves, pushing himself away so he was standing properly again. 

‘That cook didn’t know what he was talking about,’ he thought. When it came down to it, the others were fully capable, and strong enough in a fight. They didn’t need him to sacrifice his life for them. Luffy however...if Zoro wasn’t willing to put his life on the line for his own captain, what would that say about how much he meant to him?

* * *

He’s up in the crows nest. He hasn’t come down for days. If the others are worried about him, they don’t say anything. 

Zoro doesn’t care. 

He doesn’t want them to see him this way. 

Weak, pathetic, vulnerable. It’s humiliating. He can barely sleep, without going back to that island. How long was he screaming? Minutes? Hours? It could have been days, if anyone had said it was he would have believed them. His throat still feels raw from the screams, his eyes still bloodshot. No one asked if it was from tears, they were too afraid to. 

Zoro drops the weight he’s struggling with to the floor, in a frustrated cry. What was wrong with him? “Too weak, still too weak,” he mutters over and over. How are they supposed to make it to the New World if he can’t even train normally?

He’s bringing them all down, he thinks, a towel held loosely in his hand. 

In his current state, he’s like dead weight. In a fight he’s just in the way, something to keep an eye on. Dejectedly, he stares out the window and has thoughts of jumping overboard. At least with him out of the way the rest of the crew stands a chance. He doesn’t know why they even bother to keep him around. Pity maybe. 

Before that train of thought can go much further, something interrupts him.

A hand aggressively waves in front of his face, and Zoro jumps back in surprise to see Luffy standing there, a stretched grin on his rubber face. 

“Oh Zoro is awake! I thought you fell asleep standing up,” he snickers. Zoro rolls his eyes, shoving Luffy out of the way and sitting on the bench near the window. 

“No, I didn’t,” he sighs, hanging the towel over his shoulders. Luffy watches him for a moment, and Zoro can’t help wondering if he’s watching for a sign of weakness. One small wince and he’ll be done for. Zoro straightens his back, which doesn’t help the small flares of pain already firing off. His captain doesn’t seem to notice his stone face and rigid posture, quickly bounding over to join him. 

He slides onto the bench next to him, laughing and wrinkling his nose. “Zoro stinks. You’re all sweaty.” Zoro goes bright red, shoving his hand over his captains face and shoving him away unceremoniously. 

“Fuck off!” Luffy replies by laughing and Zoro quickly jerks his hand away at the feeling of it being licked. “You’re disgusting,” he huffs, brushing his hand off on his pant leg. His cheeks are still warm and he tries to turn away, but Luffy scoots closer. Zoro feels him pressed uncomfortably close to his side, as if he’s touched some invisible bruise, and can’t hold back a wince. 

Luffy’s smile quickly fades, and he quickly pulls back. “Oops, sorry Zoro,” he says quickly. Zoro frowns, turning towards him again. 

“It’s fine,” he blurts out. Luffy stares at him blankly, and Zoro can almost hear the gears turning in his head. Wanting to avoid the awkward conversation he knows is coming, he quickly stands up. What he wants to say is something along the lines of ‘Let’s go back down,’ but instead he is pulled back onto the bench by Luffy wrapping his rubbery arms around him. Zoro let’s out a surprised grunt as he is jerked back and held in place. 

“What the fuck are you doing-?” He shouts. Luffy leans in close until their foreheads nearly touch. Zoro swallows. He feels an ache creeping outward, centered on his chest. It’s not like the usual pains. It’s deep, it’s old. Zoro’s mouth feels uncomfortably dry, and suddenly he doesn’t know where to look. His eyes dart away, but he feels Luffy’s stare on him, point blank. Zoro feels his warm breath on his face and the pity in Luffy’s eyes. He hates it. 

“Whatever you’re doing just stop-“ Luffy interrupts by clamping a hand over the swordsman’s mouth. 

“Zoro is training all day. I barely see you anymore. You’re hurting yourself,” he says gently taking his hand away. Zoro stops trying to squirm out of Luffy’s arms and looks at him. He sees concern, confusion. “Why? I miss you,” he adds. Zoro swallows thickly. 

“I need to be stronger, I’m still too-“

“No you’re not,” Luffy quickly interrupts. “Zoro is really strong, I’ve seen you beat a ton of guys,” he says proudly. Luffy beams widely, and Zoro can feel how much he means every word. He wants to curl up on the floor and sleep for days. 

“It’s-you wouldn’t understand…” he grumbles. He expects Luffy to retaliate, but instead he gently retracts his arms, sitting next to Zoro again. 

“Ok, Zoro doesn’t have to say what’s bothering him,” he punctuates his sentence by taking off his hat and placing it on Zoro’s head. “But I still miss hanging out with you, so I’m gonna stay here.”

Zoro gently takes off the straw hat. He’d seen Luffy leave it with other members of the crew when they were in need of it, but until now Zoro had never had the privilege of wearing it. He gently runs his calloused finger around the rim of the hat, over every faded straw. 

“Ok,” he says quietly. Zoro feels Luffy place his head on his shoulder, and for the first time in a while the aching doesn’t bother him. All of a sudden, he’s feeling pretty tired. 

“Is Zoro gonna take a nap?” Luffy asks. Zoro just nods, leaning heavily against the wall. Luffy shifts so that he’s laying on his lap now instead, laughing softly. “Then I will too.”

Zoro smiles, pinching Luffy’s cheek. He pulls it a little, but he knows it won’t hurt him. 

“Thanks,” he mumbles. Luffy seems relieved, and Zoro hears a distant “Of course Zoro,” as he falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I started this months ago. It’s 5 am. Diez.


End file.
